Teaching...WITH BALLS!

To the three of you that just left, I apologize for your lack of humour. To the rest of you, I'm done with Annie, it's Friday, and I'm rearing to dust off my soapbox.

So, how do we do this whole "blogging" thing again? Oh, yeah! I complain about stupid people or rave about smart ones, throw in a few anecdotes, and try to make it sound like I actually have a point. Hmm, anecdotes. Well, I had a jalapeno today, but that wouldn't make a good anecdote unless it'd worked its way through the system, which I'm sure you're all dying to hear about. I'll keep you posted. What else could I write about?

Maybe I could write about how a few weeks ago, I took an exam in gym class, over the exhilarating history of ping-pong. The history of ping-pong. We'll go with that, with one caveat. Since I realize how extremely boring my ranting about standardized testing is going to be, I thought I'd serve you a few tidbits of ping-pongery facts. (FACT: OVER THREE MILLION PEOPLE ARE "REGISTERED" PLAYERS OF PING PONG!)

So, I go into gym class on Thursday. Our teacher says that tomorrow, we'd take a test on ping-pong about the rules and origins of the game. Granted, we'd played ping-pong in class for about two weeks, but playing ping-pong does not a table tennis historian make. (FACT: PING PONG WAS DESIGNATED AS AN OFFICIAL OLYMPIC SPORT IN 1988! TAKE THAT, LONG-STANDING HISTORICAL TRADITION!) She'd certainly not taught us anything about the history, and little about the rules. We just played, and had a blast.

Y'know, the way it's supposed to be in a physical education class, where you educate physically. (FACT: AN OFFICIAL PING PONG BALL'S DIAMETER, OVER THE YEARS, HAS INCREASED FROM 38mm TO 40mm.)

Look, before some of you come after me with verbal pitchforks and torches, I realize that teachers themselves have little to no control of how, when, and where students are tested. It's a state-mandated thing. I'm all for having some sort of universal measure of a district's progress. But, who I am mad at are the people who thought this system was a good idea. (FACT: PING-PONG WAS ORIGINALLY KNOWN AS "WIFF-WAFF", AND PLAYED BY RICH, ARISTOCRATIC BRITISH PEOPLE AFTER DINNER IN THE 1800s, ON THE DINING TABLE. ROWS OF BOOKS OR KNICK-KNACKS SERVED AS "NETS". SIDENOTE A: RICH PEOPLE STINK AT NAMING SPORTS. SIDENOTE B: AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO'D FIND IT HILARIOUS IF ONE OF THE BOOKS IN THE "NET" WAS THE GREAT GATSBY?)

The problem here is that these tests are the end-all-be-all of education. It's not a hyperbole when I say that every single second of the class time students spend today is laser-guided towards the OAT. This has caused a shift in curriculum. A shift from learning to memorization. (FACT: PARKER BROTHERS, THE BOARD GAME COMPANY, OWNS THE RIGHTS TO THE NAME PING-PONG, SO OTHER COMPANIES AND ORGANIZATIONS HAVE TO CALL IT TABLE TENNIS.)

To me, there's a difference between the two. I've memorized my library card number. If somebody came up to me and asked me my library card number, I could tell them, because I've memorized it. If somebody came up to me and and asked me what impact my library card has

on the world, or asked how library cards work with computer systems, I couldn't answer. (FACT: FROM 1979 TO 1983, PING-PONG HAD IT'S OWN KIND OF STEROID CRISIS. EVERYONE WAS USING "SPEED GLUE" TO INCREASE THE BOUNCINESS OF THEIR PADDLES. YOU CAN'T LEGALLY USE IT IN A PRO GAME NOW!)

Because that, my friends, would require me to learn about library cards. Learning is being able

to apply and connect things you hear and see to the world around you. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE, STANDARDIZED TESTING AND STATE STANDARDS PEOPLE, BETWEEN MEMORIZING AND LEARNING!

Ahem. Angry outburst there. Moving on...

Y'know these facts I've been sprinkling through the post? I didn't memorize them. We got the study guide the day of the test, and I've had to Google all of these just to recall them. Being that we were allowed to use the test study guide during the test, the whole thing became less about actually know the history of ping-pong, and more about searching and copying. Which makes the entire thing, by my teacher's own admission, pointless. (FACT: THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COMMONLY-USED GRIPS FOR A PING-PONG PADDLE, THE "SHAKEHOLD", WHICH SOUNDS LIKE AN AWFUL POP SONG, AND THE "PENHOLD", WHICH I'M PRETTY SURE IS A EUPHEMISM.)

And it's no big secret, either. Ask any teacher these days, and they'll tell you they've had to nix a lesson because they've skipped over some obscure test concept. It's kind of like if I gave you a book of matches and a pile of logs, and then breathed down your neck watching you make the fire. If the teachers are good, and love what they do, grades will follow. (FACT: PRESIDENT NIXON USED PING-PONG AS A MEANS OF DIPLOMACY BETWEEN THE US AND THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA. Seriously.)

So, now the ball's in your court, local and national government. What will you do with these standardized tests? Will you cherry-bomb the ball back to already exhausted teachers, or will you finally accept it that the ball is in your court?

I'll see you tomorrow.

Tomato

EDIT: GAAAH SPACING!