Top 5 (Most Idiotic) Alien Invasion Strategies

Hey, guys!

Snow days make me EXCITED! A blog-posting shot in the arm, if you will. They're great for reading, as well. But, before I retreat to a cushy armchair and flip through Fables: Wolves, I thought I'd comment on an ever-growing pandemic of science fiction.

Our aliens are frakkin' stupid.

I mean, seriously, ladies and gentlemen, these guys are supposed to be the doom-bringers of the human race. We're supposed to shake in our collective boots the minute we see a flying saucer, but I'm not even sure our conquerors can tell their right tentacle/psionic appendage from their left one!

Now, I know some of you are sitting at your computer screens and complaining at me as we speak. "ALIENZ AREN'T TEH STUPIDZ, YOU BEEP-BEEPING-BEEPER!!!! JEAN-LUC PICARD WILL KILLZ U IN UR SLEEPZ!!!"

Oh, you want to play it that way?! You asked for it!These are the top five most idiotic alien invasion tactics!

5. Land my ship near a big city/government building.

I would think this'd be a no brainer, but according to several legions of malevolent aliens, I must be wrong. Somebody apparently didn't get the memo from the Persians that it's probably a good idea to sneak up on your targets inconspicuously, instead of landing a huge, metallic airship the size of Manhattan next to the White House, a spot where kajillions of tourists come every day. Plus, it scoffs up the lawn. As Americans, we must protect our lawns.

4. Kidnap human test subjects.

I don't know which half-brained Skrull came up with the idea that it was a good idea to kidnap and/or mutate several humans. Not only is it incredibly conspicuous to just up and kidnap several people, but then you've just tripped the police, army, navy, and air force of at least the country you've kidnapped, not to mention all of those groups of any country who feels threatened by the incursion. Here's a swell idea: why not just, y'know, wait until you've conquered Earth to like, genetically engineer them to grow gold nuggets out of their eyeballs?

3. Teach humans the native language.

Hey, kids! You know a good way to subjugate a race of slaves? Teach them your language. That way, they'll be able to hear and/or read any correspondences you have with your fellow aliens, possibly leading to a rebellion. That a good thing! Right? Right? Wait a second...


2. Leaving a lone survivor.
Every time I see this happen in a movie, book, show, or comic, I want to punch a hole through something. A LARGE HOLE! It usually goes something like this: alien invaders ransack a small town or village, and think they've killed every man, woman, and child living there. It was an easy victory, and they've got enough manpower and weaponry left to blow any survivor to bits. Then, upon further inspection, they find one lone survivor, usually a little kid/old lady/girl, but decide to spare them, even though THEY HAVE PLENTY OF TIME AND RESOURCES to kill the person. Look, I'm not advocating a large scale alien xenocide or anything, but if you're going to to that kind of thing, at least be thorough for once! There's almost an 100% guarantee that the kid you've spared will grow up to be Jackie Chan. Or Harry Potter. Or Batman. Or Rambo. Or Hercules.

And the number one stupid alien invasion tactic is...



1. Nuke the White House or another government building.

Dear Galactic Overlords,

I'm pretty sure that you missed the whole conference that all the good historic villains had in the era of Feudalism. It was about this strange new concept called stealth. I'll give you a quick primer. When engaging in warfare, it's usually best if you can do something called a sneak attack. Causing a big explosion at a public place is not a good idea in the initial stages of your takeover. Look, I'm all for blowing things up in the most gratuitous way as you possibly can, but it may be a good idea to like, stratgize or something before you go ahead nuking things.

Well, that concludes our...

AHHH!

Uggh..... WHAT? Oh, um...

What I clearly meant to say there was that aliens are peaceful, kind, and humble creatures who want nothing more than to help us.

Heh, heh.

Tomato